by Churandai Duymum
I got out of bed, stood up, and felt a trickle of water running down my legs. I thought it was urine. I made my way to the bathroom. It was not urine at all; instead it seemed to be clear water. I was twenty-three weeks into my pregnancy. I was having a baby boy.
Early Sunday morning on June 17th, 1989, I awoke suddenly. I felt an intense urge to use the bathroom. I got out of bed, stood up, and felt a trickle of water running down my legs. I thought it was urine. I made my way to the bathroom. It was not urine at all; instead it seemed to be clear water. I was twenty-three weeks into my pregnancy. I was having a baby boy.
On my second trip to the bathroom, I knew that something was seriously wrong. Immediately, I woke my husband. He rushed me to North Central Bronx Hospital, the local hospital, to the triage area of the maternity unit. I waited for ten minutes, then a nurse midwife took my name and asked me to give a brief account of what had happened. I was given a gown, asked to change, and told to lie down. Then, I was connected to a monitor that recorded the fetal heart rate and contractions. (At the time, I had zero contractions.) The nurse midwife took the pad I was wearing for fluid testing. She returned about a half hour later with the results. It was not good news. She told my husband and me that it was amniotic fluid; my “waters” had broken. Again she asked me if I had any contractions. I said no, but explained that I was having tingling feelings in my stomach. The nurse midwife told me if I began to feel contractions to let her know.
My husband stayed with me, his presence was comforting. Those tingling feelings were infrequent and not strong enough to be recorded on the monitor, so whenever the nurse midwife asked if I had any contractions I would say no. In fact, I was in the first stage of labor. I asked if I could have anything to stop the contractions, the nurse midwife said that she would speak to the doctor and get back to me. She was very reassuring, sympathetic, attentive and pleasant. She held my hand and touched my head. I liked her. She tried to help ease my emotional pain. She did speak with the doctor and since my “waters” had ruptured and the risk of infection into the birth canal was high, there was nothing more to do but allow labor to continue.
This was devastating news. We were at a loss for words. The obstetrician came into the room to speak with us. He said there was a fifty percent chance of the baby surviving and also that most of his vital organs were not yet fully developed. However, the best would be done for him.
I was moved from the triage area to a regular room in the labor unit. Fetal heart monitors were attached to my stomach. Except for the admitting nurse midwife, I saw no one else. If I needed anything, I had to ring the buzzer. Sometimes someone would come in, or they would talk to me via the intercom system. Sometimes I waited for what seemed like hours and yet no one would come into the room. When I could wait no longer, I would ask my husband to help me.
The urgency and frequency to use the bathroom was increasing, so were the contractions. On the monitor screen, I could read the heart rate of the baby and with every contraction it went below 60 and high as 160. I was concerned about the situation, but the nurse midwife said it was normal during contractions. The hours went on. About 6:30 pm I felt a great amount of pressure, pain, and the urge to push. I rang the buzzer and no nurse came. I told my husband to go find a nurse, he did. I was about to deliver my baby.
I was now moved to the operating/delivery room. The pediatric team of doctors and midwives were all in the room. They had no time to prepare me for a sterile delivery. Within minutes, the baby was born. The midwife immediately took the baby away. I sensed that something was wrong. After a few minutes, the midwife told us that the baby had no heartbeat. The team tried to resuscitate him, but failed. My husband and I were speechless and could not comprehend what had just happened.
I was returned to the previous room empty handed. I was in shock; I was devastated. Later on the baby was brought to me. The staff was very sympathetic. They stayed with us for a while and then left the room, checking in on us at intervals. I was too numb to respond.
It was time for the night staff to take over. The day nurse midwife assigned to me came to say she was going off duty and she gave me a hug. It was very emotional. I uttered a faint but sincere thank you for her kindness. My husband and I took turns in holding our baby. My husband was very sad, said only a few words as he cradled his son in his arms. Our baby was tall, about 18 inches in length. All ten fingers and toes were present. He wore a smile on his face. He was peaceful, eyes closed. He was handsome! We named him Imran, which means prosperity/happiness in Arabic.
The night nurse midwife came in at about 8:00p.m. She was a big woman, about five feet four inches tall. Very abruptly she told us who she was. She showed no emotion. She asked how I was and said where she would be, then left the room. We sat quietly, holding our baby. Sadness filled our world, we didn’t want to let go. About 9:30p.m. The nurse midwife came in and said it was late and she had to take the baby. Before we could kiss him goodbye, she snatched him out of my husband’s hands and left the room. We watched in horror as she walked along the hallway and disappeared around the corner with our baby.
That night in the hospital felt endless. My husband stayed with me for several hours. The nurse midwife came to give us some information on what to do the following day. She was very unprofessional and insensitive to our needs. She told my husband that he had to leave because it was late. The next morning I saw the doctor. He discharged me from the hospital. I had mixed emotions. I was glad to be leaving, but so sad to leave our baby with strangers. I also spoke with the social worker. I told her about the night nurse midwife. She assured me that she would investigate and get back to me. She was very understanding and supportive. I left the hospital early the next morning with my husband by my side. It was a long day as we made preparation to say our final goodbye to our son. A few days later we buried Imran.
Grief and sadness surrounded us in the days that followed. This feeling persisted for weeks and months. My tears were endless. My husband tried not to show his tears, but the pain was obvious. Family members and close friends supported us. They would phone every day and visited as often as time permitted. Their kindness and presence were comforting. I knew that time and prayers would help me get through this unbearable pain. Gradually the sadness lifted, I returned to work. Colleagues shared similar painful experiences and how they coped afterwards. My husband and I visited the gravesite a few times, and I think of Imran all the time.
The years have passed and Imran will always be a special part of our family. The pain has eased, but it still hurts and I still shed tears. Now though I have a beautiful daughter named Shahnaz who was born in 1990. She was premature at 34 weeks. She weighed 3lbs. 11ozs, but she was very healthy. In September 2008 she will be a freshman at Stony Brook University. She is my miracle, my next chapter.
23 responses so far ↓
1 Urivel Lopez // Nov 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Hey, Churandai Duymum
I am very sorry for what had happened to Imran. I felt as if he was one of my family member as I pictured you sad holding your baby boy. My cousin had a similar situation, but instead his daughter, Milagros, was born alive but, a few hours later she died. I believe she had her kidney to large for her little body. It was large enough to stop her breathing and died. R.I.P Irman and Milagros. Now you have a grown young lady that is attending a university making herself proud along with her parents. Just a side note I was born in 1989 as well.
2 Salma Khan // Nov 5, 2008 at 10:34 pm
I felt that this story really touched my heart. I send all my condolences to the family and hope everything is well currently. Things like this happening make you want to appreciate life more and the things that we have and the loved ones around us more. May God bless you and your family and thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story.
3 Lizbeth Portillo // Nov 5, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Hi Churandai Duymum,
I just finished reading your story and i could say that it was a really touching story. You are a very stong women and a great mother. Just know that there are people out there who love you and thank you for being a good person in their lives, a special person. Going through an experience like this i know wont probably be easy but look at you know, you probably have a beautiful daughter who is bringing you happiness into your world, who is making you proud, who lets you know that she will always be there for you no matter what. Just know you were a great mother to Irman in just those few hours, those hours of happiness, the hours you had with him and he knows that and I know he thanks you everyday. Know your being the best mother you can to your daughter.
4 Aralis Beato // Nov 6, 2008 at 12:03 am
Aralis Beato
November, 06 2008
Hi, Churandai Duymum
I am really sorry for what happen to Imran. I understand this was a hard experience for you and your husband and especially the fact that it was your first baby. This sometimes makes me scared to become a mom, because i will never know how good or bad my pregnancy is going to be. I understand it was really depressing for you but i am really happy that you and your husband made the choice of having another baby and weren’t scared that something like this will happen again. I thank you a lot for sharing your pregnancy experience, and the way you showed how strong you was. R.I.P Imran, God is taking good care of your little angel.
5 Lyanne Mata // Nov 6, 2008 at 8:39 am
Dear Churandai Duymum,
I am so sorry for what has happened to you. this should’ve been a hard and unforgetting experience for you to try to get over. The loss of a child should be really painful and makes me think twice about the hardships of being a mother and actually deciding to be one. I give you a lot of respect because even though you lost one child, you had the strength to have another child and risk your life again in doing so. I know you probably most have been really scared the second time around, specially if you had to experience more or less the the same thing the second time around (since your daughter was also born before she had to), just that this time your daughter came out fine. God puts challenges in your path to see how you can cope with them. RIP Iman. Much Love, Lyanne.
6 Angelique Ramos // Nov 6, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Dear Churandai Duymum,
Its amazing how i was touched by your story. I am sorry for your lost and yet amazed how you tend to stay strong. As i was reading your story i was picturing certain things you were saying, it made me think of when my sister was born because at first they couldn’t get her heart beat but then it started beating. I am happy that your daughter is going to a university school. she must be your princess. i cant even imagine how you feel knowing that you lost someone but yet received an angel that would care and love you as much as Imran would have.
7 Jennifer Pacheco // Nov 6, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Hi Churandai Duymum,
Sorry for you lost but also congrats with your daughter, Shahnaz for going to Stony Brook University. As I read your story I felt so sad because my mother also lost a baby after giving birth to me. I understand when you say sometimes you feel like crying because it hurts so much but try to feel happy that God blessed you with your daughter. I’m also a freshman in college and the person who I thank everyday for helping get this far is my mother and I know your daughter probably feels the same way. Well, I hope everything else is going great and God Bless you and your family.
8 Phi L. Nguyen // Nov 9, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Everyone in life experience life and death situations but yours was very painful. To actually go through pain and expect happiness but end up in sorrow was painful. I’m glad that you have overcome it with every moment of your life even though i know Imran would always be reminded but i hope he would be reminded of happiness not sorrow. I wish you luck and passion.
9 s.brucelas // Nov 10, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what the pain of losing a child feels like. As a mother of two, I could just imagine the emptiness the uncontrollable pain that you must of felt at that point and time. For whatever reason god wanted Imran to remain an angel in the sky’s above. You have seemed to come along well and become a great parent to your second born. Wishing you the best to you and your family .R.I.P. Imran
10 Melinda G. // Nov 12, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Hello Churandai Duymum,
as I read your story, an image of my baby cousin Katelynn came to mind. Katelynn was born on November of last year in a hospital in the Bronx, and she past away 3 weeks later. Just as your precious little baby Imran was given to you and your husband after he peacefully slept forever, Katelynn was also given to my family to hold and ebrace. It was a very hard and painful experience.
I just hope that everything is going well for you and your family. I also want to congratulate you as a mom because you found the strength to keep going and you were able to guide your daughter this far.
11 Cindy V. // Nov 13, 2008 at 4:21 am
Dear Churandai Duymum,
As I wa reading your story, it remind of my niece Kimberly who was borm May of 2001. It was a funny story because my sister didn”t even her water broke until she call our mother and her that she feel this warm feeling of water going down and she did something on herself by accident. That’s a story i would never forget.
While I just hope everything between your family and you is going fine. I think you sharing this experience with people is a nice to share beacause it’s a very important step in your life. Bringing a child to this world is amazing thing, too. God bless you band your family. I hope the best for daughter’s life.
12 Alejandra Flores Nov/8/09 // Nov 16, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I sympathize with you for the lost of your son. this story touch my heart I never lost a child but thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. As I read your story my mind went on the first time I gave birth. I was lying in bed sleeping and a sudden dicomfort woke me,when I try to change my position I obsreve that my bed was wet and did not know that it was my water that broke I thought I had urinated on myself.I got out of bed and I felt the water pour so I decided to call my sister who later took me to the hospital and I gave birth to a baby girl. These fluids can play games with a person I am happy that you were blessed with another child. God bless you.
13 Lorraine Williams // Nov 16, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Hi Churandia Duymum,
I am sorry for the loss of your son, Imran. After reading your essay, it brings
back memories of my experience when I loss my daughter Candace. The only difference,
my daughter was a still birth. I am happy that your family and friends were there with you
in your grief. May God continue to bless you and your family.
14 Erica // Nov 23, 2008 at 11:16 am
Hi Churandia,
I can’t imagine how you felt after hearing that you lost your baby, but i know exactly how you felt. The tears was rolling down my face while reading your story. I have a child of my own and if i had to go through that i know that i would have been ab emotional wreck. But like they say God knows what he’s doing, he giveth and he taketh. So just continue to keep your head up for you and the rest of your family. God Bless.
15 Smoore // Nov 23, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Hello Mrs. Duymum I was touched by your essay Imran, 1989. I too suffered the loss of a child. Unlike you I lost my child in the first trimester, I didn’t experience any movent of the fetus, I did not bond with my baby the way you did after twenty three weeks
16 Kristy R // Nov 30, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Dear Mrs. Duymum,
Reading your essay made me have a mix of emotions. I felt very sad you had to experience such a sad thing like losing your son. When I read that your son was born with no heartbeat I was shocked. I thought of how strong of a person you must be to have went through that and overcome it enough to tell your story now. When you explained at the end how you are starting a new chapter in your life with your daughter I was happy for you. I am very glad that after all that you were able to have a healthy and intelligent daughter. I wish you and your family the best and thank you for sharing your story.
17 Amanda // Dec 1, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Dear Mrs. Duymum,
Wow, this story was amazing. It was so well written and really touched my heart. I was a premature baby myself, and I had some problems in my first months of life. My parents went through a lot with me when I was younger, since I was sick all of the time. I cannot even imagine what you went through. Giving a still birth is probably one of the saddest things one must have to do. This journal was very emotional and probably what made the story. It came from the heart and enticed people into reading it. The worst of this story is how that new midwife took care of you and your husband. She was so insensitive and was not at all caring to your situation. You just gave birth to a baby that had no heartbeat, and it broke your heart. This doctor should have had more sympathy and tenderness. At the end when you described how you were going to start a new chapter in your life with you daughter really made me happy and excited for you. The ironic thing is that I was also born in 1990 so I feel connected to your daughter in a way since I just started my first semester at college as well. I really enjoyed reading this story, and you are an amazing mother.
Sincerely,
Amanda
18 Matt // Dec 1, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Dear Mrs. Duymum,
Hi Mrs. Duymum I was very touched by your essay Imran, I was not premature but I was 4 weeks and 2 days late. When I was born I was in the hospital for a month because my heart rate was too low. I really enjoyed reading your story and I send my condolences to you and your family.
Sincerely,
Matt
19 Arielle // Dec 2, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Dear Mrs Duymum,
As I was reading your essay Imran i could not help but tear up a little bit. The fact that you can now share this story with all of us makes you a stronger person and I am really happy that you have come to that point in your life that you can share the story with us. Your story really touched me because my little cousin was born without a heart beat, so I can somewhat relate to how you felt. I am happy that you now have a healthy daughter and I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Sincerely,
Arielle
20 Rich C // Dec 3, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Dear Mrs Duymum, your essay was very touching to me I must say. As I read it, it really touched me on an emotional level. I myself was a premature baby, and was born four months early. I had a 20 percent chance to live. I wish you all the best for the future and am very happy that you now have a healthy daughter as well. The fact that you are now able to tell your story , makes you a stronger person.
Rich
21 Briana // Dec 3, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Briana Mullery
12/4/08
Dear Churandia Duymum,
I was deeply touched by your story. I was inspired by your strength to overcome such a tragedy. I am not a mother and cannot relate to this story at all. The pain you must feel everyday is unimaginable. The fact that you were able to overcome and eventually have your daughter is courageous. I am very happy the birth of your daughter went smoothly and that she was healthy. It was very nice of you to share your story; it was very touching and inspirational.
22 Lauren // Mar 25, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Your story is very inspiration and touching. I know it must have been very hard for you to share your story with the online community, but thank you! Reading your piece made me feel as if I was somewhat related to you, the way you gave great indepth detail and told the story in chronological order made me feel this way. A simliar thing happened to my cousin and I understand the heartache you must feel. thank you for sharing your strength.
23 Michelle Perez // May 3, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I read several essays on this site. None, however, touched my heart as your essay has! Although I am saddened because Imran is not physically with you, I am glad that you were able to find peace.
Your story inspires strength!!
Congratulations to you and Shahnaz ! You must be so proud!
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