by Andrea Ramprashad
“In East Indian families, what children want is not important. East Indian parents use “guilt and shame” to scare children from developing into their own individual. East Indian parents are afraid that their children will pull away from their culture. I feel that all parents should have more faith in their children, and they should also have faith in their parenting.”
When I was thirteen and about to start high school in the South Bronx, I asked my mom, “Why did the family come to the U.S. in the first place? Couldn’t we have gone to school in Guyana, or even India?” We live around the Bronx River Parkway, and there is no Indian community here.
“We, Guyanese people, come here for you children, so you can make the best of yourselves through the opportunities that the U.S. has to offer,” she replied.
I sensed there was something more to her answer.
At the age of eighteen, I learned that in 2000 the United States Bureau of the Census reported that East Indians were one of the fastest growing immigrant groups in the U.S. with a population that exceeded one million. East Indian immigrants in the U.S. are usually from India, Bangladesh, and Pakistan. Many also come from countries of the Indian Diaspora such as: Dubai, England, Ghana, Trinidad, and Guyana like my family.
During the 1940’s, when India was under British control, my grandparents struggled to feed their family, and it became increasingly difficult for them to create a stable place for their family to live. There were constant riots in the streets. People were burned, and killed. Dead bodies were lying in the streets. People were losing their homes. My grandparents discussed leaving the country with their other siblings. This world was not for them anymore. They decided to go Guyana, an Indian Diaspora country in South America.
After arriving in Guyana, they had to adjust to the English language, so that they could communicate. Both of my grandfathers found jobs fishing in the rivers for shrimp, snapper, catfish, and many other kinds of fish. Soon they were able to buy their houses. They were able to eat every day. They ate a lot of fish, which was either “curried,” a sauce made with curry powder, or fried, with rice or “roti,” which is a traditional Indian bread, made with wheat flour, salt and water, cooked on a flat griddle called a “tawa” and is similar to a tortilla. Along side the fish curry and “roti,” they would have a yellow pea soup called “dhal.”
They had a place to live. It was a one-level house with three bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room and an outside bathroom. Still my grandparents told me, “Something always seemed missing or incomplete.” In 1985, after my own parents got married, the family decided it was time to move again. Their destination was New York because everyone agreed upon going, and the family did not want to split up. My brother and I were born in New York City. Though I have never visited Guyana or India, I feel close to both countries. The food we eat, the movies we watch, the wedding ceremonies all come from our culture in India and Guyana.
My family’s religion is Hinduism, and the majority of our values and traditions stem from our belief in Hinduism. In traditional East Indian families the father is the family’s breadwinner. The mother stays home and takes care of the children. In my culture, immigrant women usually defer to their husbands’ wishes, demands, and decisions. My parents follow this tradition. In 1988, when my parents came to New York, my father found a job at a clothing company in Manhattan. My mom stayed at home; she cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and took care of my brother and me. My mother and father both agreed upon this system. They thought it was best for the family. I think they made the right decision because both my brother and I grew up with good values, morals, and manners. Unfortunately, my parents did not allow us to become independent.
According to the way, my family interprets Hinduism, authority flows downward consistent with a hierarchical order of position, meaning from father, mother, brother, and sister, and so on and so forth. I have always paid close attention to how things operate in my family, and have come to the conclusion that there is no need for this order. Individuals should be taught to respect each other, not only because someone is younger or older than you are. My parents always said, “We take care of you children, so you have to respect us and do what we say.”
In East Indian families, what children want is not important. East Indian parents use “guilt and shame” to scare children from developing into their own individual. East Indian parents are afraid that their children will pull away from their culture. I feel that all parents should have more faith in their children, and they should also have faith in their parenting. Parents do not have to force their children to do or learn something. They just need to show them why they feel things should be a certain way and discuss it calmly.
When I was applying to college during the fall of 2006, I assumed that it would be my decision whether or not I wanted to go, and where I wanted to go. All my friends were doing what they wanted to do, so why not me? My friends were from Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic. Some were from the place as me. My parents forced me to go to Lehman College (a city university in the Bronx) because it was inexpensive and close to home. They were afraid that if they let me go away or make my own decision that I would go out late, and drink, and party, and that I would forget about school. They should have taken some time to get to know me. If they had done this, they would have found a mature young woman, who was ready to explore the world, who was responsible and trustworthy. I had no intentions of hurting my parents, but I wished to make own decisions. I did not want to follow a plan made by someone else.
In my family the focus was on what “we” were supposed to do, instead of what “I” wanted to do. My parents wanted me to succeed educationally, occupationally, and financially, so they could feel honored. This was their purpose for coming to America. They failed to understand that I also wanted this, but I did not want to be forced. I found myself thinking only about making my parents happy. I forgot about myself.
The cow is the most sacred animal to the Hinduism religion, which is why we do not eat beef. When Lord Shiva, the God of destruction, took the form as a human and descended on Earth to destroy the demons, he rode on a cow named Nandi. Without the cow, he would not have been able to get around, so Hindus worship the cow as a God. When my brother and I were about ten and about to bite into a burger, our grandparents and parents used to tell us, “Eat what you like, as long as your bellies are full,” but immediately afterward they would criticize us.
“Don’t you know we are not supposed to eat beef, we are Hindus.” This is one of the main reasons I always felt confused on what it was I should be doing. My parents said one thing and did another. As a child wanting to please your parents (because that was what you were supposed to do) I felt as if I was never good enough. They didn’t let me learn some things on my own, I became a stick that had no life, no experiences. No one should have to live like this. Life should be filled with sorrows, happiness, and experiences.
My parents always thought my brother and I were doing something wrong. This is why we were never allowed to go anywhere with our friends. They didn’t even know my friends. They did not care to get to know them. We weren’t allowed to go to the movies, park, or out for lunch; we couldn’t participate in any school activities or programs. We always felt disabled in a sense. Early on we understood that an important part of the American experience was to keep an open mind about people and sports. I wish I could have been allowed to go to an after-school program. I wanted to be able to go to the library, borrow books, and read in the park. I wanted to go to lunch, shopping, and to the movies with my friends.
My parents always failed to accept American culture, except when they helped pay for college. That was the only time I remember them being supportive. My parents’ way of solving the cultural difference was by force. I told them that forcing their children to be a certain way, they are pushing them away, which could lead them to do wrong things. However, we were never bad children. I told my parents that they were lucky. They always said, “You’re lucky to have good parents.”
“No you’re lucky to have good children,” I talked back to them in my mind.
My parents have changed a lot since they have been in New York. When they were living in Guyana, they were allowed to go to the movies on their own, along with their friends. They would go to their friends’ houses and would go home whenever they liked. I believe this is because my grandparents instilled good morals, values, and rules. They made sure their children understood them, and that they followed them. Why did my parents change? Why didn’t they do the same as their parents did? They grew up in a different country from their parents, just as I did, but they had freedom and a chance to develop their own character. So why am I being so restricted? Even though I am in college. It is still the same. Many people tell me that I should just rebel, but in my heart, I do not feel that is the right way to solve the problem. I feel torn about what to do.
I think that East Indian parents need to open their eyes and find the connection with their children that already exists. I often feel unhappy and confused because my parents are pushing me to do things their way. I want to be given some space to develop my own identity. I plan to marry the boy of my choice. That is something I definitely will do on my own.
My twenty-year-old brother is two years older than I am. Amit Ramprashad is 5’ 11”, weighs about 150 pounds, has black hair, brown eyes, and is fair skinned. Everyone always asks if my brother is adopted because he looks Chinese. Actually, he looks just like our father, only my father is dark skinned. Amit goes to Technical and Career Institute College in Manhattan. One day while we both were home, I was reading and he was on the computer, doing some research for a paper, I asked quietly, ” Do you think I could ask you a few questions?”
“Sure,” he replied.
“How do you feel about the way mom and dad raised us?”
“Do you mean how I feel about never being allowed to go out with my friends? Never being allowed to make my own decisions?”
“Exactly.”
“I feel like a prisoner, never being able to do anything. Like for instance, when I was getting ready to graduate from high school. Do you think I wanted to go to college? Because I didn’t. Not everyone is cut out for college. This wasn’t for me. I hate going every day, especially because it wasn’t my choice.”
“Have you ever thought about telling mom and dad how you feel?”
“No, it’s not like it would make a difference. At the end, it has to be their way or no way, you know that, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. How do you feel about your life right now?”
“I obviously hate it. And it’s not my life, I am not making the decisions.”
I never knew that he had all these feeling piled up. I thought I was the only one, but I was wrong. I had a brother right next to me who I failed to see. To really see a painting you have to understand it, and because I didn’t understand my brother, I couldn’t really see him.
I woke up the next morning feeling like new woman. I realized that although bottling up all my feelings is not good, I am not the only one doing it. Now that I know, my brother shares the same feelings as I do. I have someone to talk to. I hope we find away to deal with the issue. Who knows maybe one day we can help other teens going through the same issue.
Why am I writing about this now? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I know that I am not telling anyone really close to me, so there is no harm that can come from this. My way of dealing with the issue is simply dealing with it on my own. I keep everything in my mind and sort through all my issues in there. All these years I have been balancing this issue with my parents and my school work, a little longer will not hurt, I hope. The only way that I’ll be free is if I find my future husband, someone who will always love me for who I am. Until then, I am stuck in this life where it often feels like I’m not really living.
Andrea Ramprashad‘s mother, Latchmin and her father, Mahindra were born in Guyana, where they both began working at a young age and were unable to get an education. After marriage, they came to America for a better life. Andrea Ramprashad was born on December 5th, 1989 in the Bronx, and here her parents raised Andrea and her brother, Amit. Andrea graduated as the first female valedictorian at Samuel Gompers Career and Technical High School, in June of 2007. She is active an active volunteer in her community, participating in Earth Day, and Jump Rope for the Heart events.
She is now studying at Lehman College, in the Bronx where she majors in Economics and minors in Philosophy. Andrea is determined to make a good life for herself in America and to always make her parents proud of her.
29 responses so far ↓
1 Farina // Mar 4, 2009 at 6:36 pm
First off that was excellent I enjoyed reading this essay I could really relate to this as a guyanese experiencing the same things with my family but I love it
2 Rhonda Davis // Apr 21, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I feel as if everyone can relate to this piece, especially those who come from the Caribbean as well. It’s always the same story-”I’m going to America for a better life.” I found it funny, because the exact jobs and lifestyles that the author was describing in her writing were the same that my family went through while living in Barbados! It never seems to fail! I also liked the fact that the author attended Lehman College (wow, coincidence much?) Overall I really liked this piece and I found many personal connections to it as well. (^_^)
3 Ebony // Apr 22, 2009 at 10:08 am
I loved your essay. In some ways I can relate to this because my parents are Caribbean and they both were born and grew up in Antigua so at young ages they had to learn to cook, clean and work so that’s the way my dad wanted us to grow up but my mom felt like we should just be kids.
4 bernadette padayogdog // Apr 22, 2009 at 2:38 pm
i can feel you andrea. i am 18 years old and my sister is 21 but my parents don’t want us to become independent since it;s not how it is in out tradition. in our country, we have to finish school and find a job. we can only separate from our parents once we get married and can totally manage to live our own. we can’t make our own decision or else we are questioning their decisions. they tell us that they just want to teach us to become independent that’s why they’re preparing us. but isn’t it we become independent when we learn how to face our own problems and learn how to decide for ourselves. that’s why we have this problem at home right now. my sister wanted to move away but my parents just don’t want her to. but for me, i think i’ll just follow them since right now i can’t live with my own. and i just don’t want to leave them. i;ll just follow the philippine tradition..
5 Alyssa Stevenson // Apr 22, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I think that it is horrible that some parents have to scare their children to ensure that they with their culture. I just dont think thats necessary but other than that I liked the essay.
6 Alison Rodriguez // Apr 22, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Ths piece really touched me. It’s amazing how some parent really feel the only way to get through t their kids is through guilt. My mom does it sometimes but not to that extreme extent. Andrea i really feel that maybe you should consider going away maybe to a school in long island or somewhere close. Your parents love you and they will love you no matter what. Apply and if you get in to any school you can make the decision o your own and ultimately tell your parents they’ll be mad but you can get through it. I enjoyed your writing it really gave me feel for what you are dealing with.
7 Steven // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:13 pm
This is a very strong piece. Your work reminded me of some cultures from back home. I experienced some of those traditions that are intended to scare children in order maintain cultures. I think that in every society parents are protective. They want their children to stay in touch with their culture.
Keep it up! Andrea.
8 Justine Cardenas // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Although I cannot relate I can understand why you would think rebelling would be disrespectful. But I feel if you truly want your space to find yourself that might be your only option. Put your foot down just make sure you have somewhat of a plan
9 Janai Davvila // Apr 23, 2009 at 12:48 am
This is very intersting. I find it so because I am allowed to make my own decisions…for the most part. My mother is African American and my father is Puerto Rican and Filipino (very interesting mix). I stay out very late, I have a very ethinically diverse group of friends, I can date any ethnicity I want, BUT, I cannot marry them. My mother is African American and my father is Puerto Rican and Filipino (very interesting mix). My mother raised me. Unfortunately for that, I get the whole guilt trip if I don’t obey her every command. One of them is, I am not allowed to marry a member of any hispanic group, east indian group, west indian group, or european group. Basically I am supposed to marry a successful BLACK male. My mom feels that this would protect me from bad influnce. Like you said the level of power in your home is father, mother, brother, sister.Well, my mother and I have always run my home and my stepdad and brother follow our lead. If I were to marry into a culture that believes opposite, I probably wouldnt do so good. In essnce, I write to say that even though I have the opposite end of the stick, I really do feel for you, but maybe that whole, “mother knows best” statement is slightly right.
10 Kasandra Baptiste // Apr 23, 2009 at 1:20 am
Think its really great that you choose to free your mind by sharing your story. I hear similar stories from my cousins. I know its difficult, but you must find little ways to help them understand the culture their now apart of.
11 Celinda P. // Apr 23, 2009 at 3:50 am
i think you have a strength that has gotten you through some bad times and I feel so terrible that you have to be held back in such a way. as a human being it should be your right to be an individual. i think you told your story beautifully.
12 Dwight $ Nangle // Apr 23, 2009 at 6:02 am
yo I think your family needs to loosen up and let you be your own person. They obviously raised good kids from reading your essay and should have no fair. The longer yall stay trapped in from society the dummer youll get street smart wise. My parents are from jamaica and i wasnt raised like this they understand kids are suppose to have fun.
13 Jose Santiago // Apr 23, 2009 at 7:14 am
Its not always easy to talk to your parents and in this case talking might not be enough. Your parents really need to let you live your life. Sooner or later, i think you are going to have to just walk up out of there. Maybe then they will realize just how much “your life” means to you. They cant live their dreams through you. I’ts just not fair.
14 Adjele // Apr 23, 2009 at 10:21 am
reading your piece i can totally relate to your situation but i think it is the same in every family. all parents in every culture, want their to be successful and most of all accomplish great things in life but sometime, they just have to loosen up a little.Great story!!!
15 Raj Alfred // Apr 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Having read your story I know exactly the way you feel, since I was born and raised in Guyana.However I think that your parents want the best for their chidren that’s why they are so protective here in America,because the lifestyle is totally different and many kids are carried away with the freedom ,hence getting invoved in the wrong things. That’s the reason I think your parents are this way with you and your brother .They want you both to be succesful in life with your careers andto have the
opportunity to have a good education ,something that they were not priviledged to have.They also want you both to make them proud.
16 Vanessa // Apr 26, 2009 at 10:21 am
I’m from Puerto Rico and I had a similar problem it had nothing to do with my culture but because my biological father disapeared and left my mother pregnant at a very young age. My mother not wanting the same thing happening to me became very paranoid and extremely strict. At age 17 while living with her I couldn’t leave the appartment unless I asked her permission. I rebeled against her and left with my boyfriend without finishing high school. I had two children and struggled through life. I am now in my 30′s and starting college and I look back and wish I would have stuck it out and accomplished something in life. Trust me life can get worst and in your heart you must know your parents want the best for you.
17 Christina // Apr 26, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Koodos! to you Andrea. I think you should make yourself proud of you first. What an inspiring and forcused young lady you seemed to be. I wish you were able to find a way to let your parents undserstand that once they have instilled in you and your brother moral values, customs and culture you would never depart from it. As a result you have missed out on some of your best years – adolescent. You remind me of myself and my Caribbean upbringing, which is why I tell myself to be more liberal with my two children. Keep up the good works though.
18 Elizabeth // Apr 26, 2009 at 7:04 pm
As parents you want the best for your children, or at least you should. I honestly think that your parents wanted you and your brother to stay focus on your education and your culture. Sadly they robbed you of a childhood that you will never be able to get back. As an adult you have to put it past you and move forward, sometimes parent don’t understand the damage they do to us. I can relate to you I have a mother who wants nothing good for me why? I feel she is afraid of losing me and her palace in my life. I think your parents were afraid of losing you.
19 Isseline // Apr 26, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I loved your essay. Im sure many people can relate to recenting their parents but respect and love them for all the protection they offered. You were very honest on such a sensitive subject. I am glad you can express your unhappiness but know the right path in life. You mentioned that you will be happy and free when you find your husband. My opinion is that you will be happy and free when you become independent, sucessful and do what you like to do and haven’t had a chance to do. Once your find your happiness within yourself then you can find happiness with your future husband. Good luck in your studies
20 marcelina // Apr 27, 2009 at 2:04 am
This was an interesting piece from andrea on her feelings of always needing to please her parents and not herself. I think it is not uncommon for families from other countries to believe that their children have to do as they say, not what they want. I know that Anrea is frustrated at her parents but I think it has helped her suceed and be focused. So many of our young people today are not,and go in the wrong direction.
21 Sirina // May 2, 2009 at 9:10 pm
My dear Andrea your daily struggle with your parents is not different from mine. I have been there too. I got tired and sick of my mom that I decided at the age of 22 to marry my actual kids father just to escape my mother’s autority and also to please her. I did not marry someone i really love instead my mother arrange the mariage with the person as thought will make me “happy”. Girl the rest is a long story. The only thing that make my life joyfull today is my two beautifull and intelligent girls. My advise to you is to found away to get your parent understand that at some point you have to be independant and decide for yourself. Even if you have to heart their feelings long as it good for you. Good luck.
22 Caroline // May 3, 2009 at 10:19 am
I enjoyed ur essay,and can relate to you. My mother came from a very strict background. To be honest I understand where you coming from but at the same time it makes you a stronger person,( i think) now a days this generation need some of their parents to instill certain morals in them. Look how you turn out, a very respectful younglady I would say. Great essay.
23 Felisha // May 7, 2009 at 8:52 am
I think your essay was extremely well written and I enjoyed reading it. My parents moved here from Trinidad and my family previously came from India as well. Just like you realized you are not alone when you confronted your brother, I also realized that I wasn’t the only one that felt this way after reading your essay. My parents always wanted the best for me but they did not trust me to be independent nor did they trust my friends so I missed out on a lot of experiences. I’ve never gotten in trouble and I’ve always gotten good grades, but my parents never admitted that they were lucky to have me. Instead, they were just like your parents and believed that I was the lucky one because I had them as parents. I have also been told to rebel, but this will not solve anything. As difficult as it is, we still need to appreciate the way we were raised because it prevented us from straying and going on the wrong path and it was done out of their love for us.
24 Rhondon Charles // May 9, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Growing up in Trinidad, I know exactly how you feel, and what you are experiencing! I too was a sheltered child, with very strict parents. Your determination shows that your up bringing will carry you through life a successful woman. Keep focused on doing positive things and in the end your parents will be proud of you. One more piece of advice. Do not let your parents being immigrants, dictate how you feel about them. They have your best interest at hand, although you may not see it that way.
25 Melissa Nieves // May 10, 2009 at 1:07 pm
It’s hard to feel sympathy for the way you was raised. You had parents that sacarifised and cared about your education for you and your brother. I can appreciate that you felt like a prisoner as a teenager but what have you rather have? Feeling like a prisoner in your young adult life or being in adult and finding yourself lost because your parents didn’t guide you along the way, like the most of us. I wish I had parents that care as half as much as yours did. I too could have been valedictorian instead of being 28 years old and taking college courses at night.
26 Andrew Yee // May 10, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Your piece was very powerful and touching. Upon reading this I could really relate to how my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have a opportunity of a life time. Both my dad and mom work really hard in the past to get to where they are today. Although they care a lot about me and my education, their expectation can sometimes be too overwelming and build a lot of pressure on me.
27 Yuen Wing Kam // May 10, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Sometimes life is not just about what you want, but you also have to consider for the closet one around you. Your parents sacrificed so much for you, why can’t you return the favor and try to achieve what they want?
28 Jonathan Batista // May 11, 2009 at 10:49 am
Extremely interesting article. A lot of good points brought up. I come from a similar situation where the only opinion that matters is that of my parents. Sometimes I fill like I was put here on accident because I almost always do what I fill is the best thing for me to do. Not what my parents would want me to do. I hope the situation you live in will not prevent you from accomplishing all you dream of.
29 S.J // May 13, 2009 at 10:07 am
while i agree that parents that are strict can sometimes influence you with strong morals, i absolutely despise being controlled. Having come from a similar background as you, I can relate to the feeling of suffocation parents can put on their children. it often feels like you are destined to live their life instead of your own. marry the girl they like, have the wedding they want, get the job they feel is secure.
man is born free, but everywhere he goes he is in chains. it’s tragic that the chains often come from the people you love the most.
your essay by the way uses beautiful, simple prose to speak about a complex, conflicting identity and theme. simply brilliant.
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